


Whatever it takes

by GhostofFiction



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Architects, Awesome Clint Barton, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky is so done, Divorce, Epic Fail, Flashbacks, Gifset, Heartbreak, Hurt Steve Rogers, Ice Sculpture, Idiots in Love, Inspired By Tumblr, Lawyers, Love Letters, M/M, Mention of Therapy, Outer Space, Pain, Presents, Protective Natasha Romanov, Regret, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Separations, Stars, Steve Feels, Three months later, Time Gap, trying to make things better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:41:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24221482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostofFiction/pseuds/GhostofFiction
Summary: “Bucky, I’m really sorry about being late. I swear-““I don’t care, Steve. I don’t give a single shit about what you have to say, so please, just shut up.”
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 18
Kudos: 130





	1. Choices made

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Whatever it takes](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/621085) by monalisamontauk. 



> So I was on tumblr last night and I came across this post from https://monalisamontauk.tumblr.com/
> 
> A lovely gifset about Bucky Barnes being done with his marriage and Steve Rogers being too damn stubborn to give the man he loves what he asks for. Like I said before, I'm sure I'm missing a bunch of things, but I tried my absolute best to write something cool for her. 
> 
> This is unbetaed so any mistakes are mine. Please feel free to comment or leave an ask on tumblr if you see any mistakes that need correcting. 
> 
> and now.... ENJOY!!!

Bucky tapped the pen on the desk as he read over the papers for what felt like the tenth time that morning. He had asked Okoye, his always trust worthy lawyer who had no qualms about telling him the truth, to draft the documents he had been thinking about for the past week. A week where he hadn’t been home at all, hadn’t sleep on his bed and petted his grumpy cat. He blinked at the words as if waiting for all of them to give him the answer that he couldn’t find in his brain of even his heart.  
  
“James, if you are not sure about this, maybe it would be good if you take some time. I can go over them and then you can-“  
  
James sat up straight and looked at the woman who had been more than understanding of the situation as a friend, as a lawyer she had advised for so much more things, for Bucky to take full advantage of this deal, but truly, Bucky didn’t want all that. He just wanted to have a chance at being happy again, because he was sure that this was not what he signed up for when he got married.  
  
“No. There’s no need, Okoye. I just want to get this over with.” He answered, clipped and bitter, like he wasn’t before all this started. When did he turn out to be so sad and angry all the time? The question reminded unanswered as he finally pressed the pen to the document and wrote his signature on it, there was no turning back. But who was he kidding, there hadn’t been a chance to turn this back around for so damn long.

Okoye looked at him, a very light frown on her face, there was no conviction about the whole thing and that unsettled him a little bit, but this was the right thing to do. He deserved more than what he was getting, he deserved to be love, not to be afterthought. He knew that, believed it with what was left of his heart. The black ink was drying on the paper as he looked at it, sealing his new reality.  
  
“I will have those delivered to-“

“No. I’ll do it.”

“Bucky, I really think it would be best if I did that, you don’t need to put yourself through that.” Okoye leaned forwards and placed her warm hand on his hand, her voice soft and caring.

“I know, but I need to do this. I have to do this, give myself closure.”

The woman didn’t look happy about it, but it was his choice and he was not going to give up on this idea, no matter how much people told him that this was the worst thing he could do. Natasha and Clint said it too, Clint being the one who had stayed mostly quiet and had looked down at his hands when Nat was trying her hardest to make him see something he couldn’t. What was the point with all this? Staying in a relationship where he was not appreciated and was always left behind? He wasn’t completely irrational about the situation, he understood that Steve worked hard because his job demanded a lot of time, but there were limits, there were priorities and Steve Rogers had them all backwards. And Bucky was so tired.

“Thank you, Okoye. I will see you soon.”

He patted her hand before he closed the folder, papers nestled inside. He made his way out of the office, into the elevator, completely ignoring the people around him, barely even hearing their conversations because his heart was beating so hard inside his chest: this was it. This was what he had been thinking about for an entire week, trying is damn best to convince himself there was another way, but couldn’t find any. Once he was down on the underground garage, he walked towards his car, got in and sat there for what feels like an hour, who knew, might’ve been less. He rubbed his face and looked at the papers resting on the passenger seat, silently looking back at him, reminding him why he was doing this.

\--

_Bucky looks at his wrist watch one more time, trying his damn best to be subtle about it when Sam’s eyes look at him. Two hours and 14 minutes and Steve still hadn’t arrived. He knew that his birthday celebration was today, he knew their friends had planned this out because getting a reservation at Olmsted was a hardship but Nat had managed to make it possible for his birthday, it was his 37 th birthday and he had thought that his husband, out of all the people in the world, was going to actually make the effort and be here for him. _

_Bucky ignored Sam’s eyes and took a sip of his beer, he kept the conversation going, he talked to his guests and his friends and answered, to the best of his abilities, calmly that his husband was a little busy with work. He was so angry inside, he was so damn angry he had to take a break from the celebration and hide in the bathroom to punch the wall and contain his tear, because a red eyed Bucky Barnes would make Natasha Romanoff one angry spitfire of a woman, and he didn’t want to cause that, not when she had worked so hard to arrange this for him. When he came out of the bathroom about five minutes later, the beautiful cake was on top of the table; all his friends were surrounding it as they sang with cheers and claps._

_Bucky dutifully smiled and shook hands, kept the smile on his face and blew the candles after some people shouted something about “make a wish, Barnes.” He didn’t, he didn’t feel like making wished but he pretended to do so and just like that, candles were no longer lighting up the cake, but people were still congratulating him, hugging him and handing presents. He was in the middle of getting another beer bottle from Wanda when he saw the man approach, Steve was still dressed in his work clothes, he looked tired and like he wanted to be anywhere but here. But Bucky stayed where he was and smiled at the woman before Steve reached him. His wide hand resting on the small of his back, his lips kissing his cheek as he whispered: “I’m sorry, Buck. I got caught up with something important at work. I tried my best to make it here on time.”_

_Bucky felt his blood boil even more with the words, “something important”, because Bucky wasn’t important, his birthday wasn’t important. He took a sip of his beer and turned to Steve, his smile was tight and everything but happy._

_“I’m planning on drinking a lot more tonight, Steve. So make sure that you stick to water or soda.” Bucky was planning on getting drunk enough to not be able to drive, he didn’t want to be sober enough anyways to hear Steve’s excuses or having him trying to explain why he had arrived two hours late for his birthday. He stayed with Nat and Clint, Wanda and Shuri through the rest of the celebration, he didn’t spare a glance to Steve or even tried to engage in the conversations he was having with Tony and Bruce or the other people there._

_He was aware enough that Wanda was putting him in the car hours later, kissing his cheek and making sure he wasn’t going to throw up in the car, he wanted to though, give Steve Rogers the headache he had given him, but he just couldn’t._

_“Bucky, I’m really sorry about being late. I swear-“_

_“I don’t care, Steve. I don’t give a single shit about what you have to say, so please, just shut up.”_

_The car ride was heavy, suffocating. Being home wasn’t better; he fell asleep on the bed, still dressed and next morning he woke up with sandpaper in his mouth, a killer headache and no Steve. When he checked his phone, there was another message from the man, one that didn’t even surprise him at this point. “Got called into work. I’ll try to make it home before lunch. Love you.”_

_Steve didn’t make it to lunch that day, he didn’t show up home until 9:15 p.m. He didn’t even bother with an explanation as he walked inside the house, Bucky sitting on the couch, eating left over cake._

_\--_

Bucky shook his head out of his day dreaming and sighed softly before he started the car and drove to his former home. He knew that Steve wasn’t there because he was at work, he always was, and so he could take all the time in the world to pack his shit and leave without the need to hurry. He missed the familiar streets, he liked the neighborhood, and the people were nice around here, which was one of the reasons that they had bought the house in this part of town. Sadly, he was going to have to get used to the fact that he wasn’t going to live here anymore.

He parked in the driveway and got out of his car, he moved towards the front door and pushed it open, looking around the house, not a single sight that someone actually lived here. Except Alpine, she was sitting by the window, wagging her tail lazily as she looked at him, she meowed loudly, as if asking him why had he left and abandoned her. She was a sweet little ball of fur, but she had a vengeful spirit that overruled everything else. Bucky walked inside and closed the door behind him, left his car and house keys on the side table, walking toward the cat he held his hand out so she could sniff at him, when she didn’t scratch him to shreds, he touched her, kissed the top of her head and whispered a tiny I’m sorry. The cat purred but stayed where she was, too comfortable.

When Bucky had looked for a place to stay, he had made sure that the new apartment was pet friendly; he wasn’t going to take Captain, their too energetic Golden retriever mix of a dog. Alpine he would take with him because he was the one who adopted her, Steve was the dog person, he even took him for his runs, so he was more likely to have the dog in better conditions in the house. With that out of the way it was pretty easy to find a nice place for them both, big windows so she could sit all day there if she wanted to. For now, he needed to take the only things he wanted, the cat, her scratch pole, her sandbox, and his clothes, everything else he would leave, there was nothing else he wanted to bring from the place he once thought was going to be his forever home.  
  
Packing his belongings didn’t take him long at all, an hour at most; two hours later he had everything in the car, Alpine in her cage. Bucky went to the backyard to make sure that Captain had water in the bowl, the dog wagged his tail at him and jumped up to demand affection, Bucky petted him and kissed his cute face before he told the overly eager puppy to sit and stay. He was going to miss the little fellow, but he couldn’t take him to the apartment when he wasn’t going to have the time to take him for walks or give him a considerable space for him to run around freely, he was better off here, at the house with the big yard and the runs to the park in the morning. He didn’t say goodbye, it would make him too sad, so he closed and locked the kitchen double doors and made sure than everything else was secured before he left. Another 34 minute drive took his to his new home. He was going to do his very best to make it so.

Taking everything into the new apartment wasn’t that much of a hustle, Bucky was going to take the afternoon to put everything into place, it also worked so that Alpine could explore and get used to her new surroundings. He had one more thing to do, and his stomach bottomed out at the thought of it.

The man stood outside of the building, his palms were sweating and his heart was beating so hard he felt like he was going to throw up the little bit of food he had managed to eat while in the apartment. He was very aware now how this was a bad idea, like Okoye and Nat said so, but there was no turning back now, he was already here and he was going to have to man up and do it.

He walked inside of the building and hurried to catch the elevator that was about to go up. Steve’s work place was always a busy place, people would hardly even look at you as you walked through the halls, much like his life at home was. The thought only confirmed that he was making the right choice. He reached Amanda’s desk and smiled at her when she stood up to give him a hug. Amanda had been Steve’s assistant for three years, so they were pretty familiarized with each other.

“Mr. Barnes. Mr. Rogers is inside; he just got back from a meeting.” She said in her sweet voice as she let him go and motioned for the door. So this was it, this was the moment where everything was going to change. He thanked her and watched her sit back behind her desk, going back to work. Bucky on his part took a few seconds, holding the folder at his side a little tighter, receiving a silent encouragement from them as he opened the door. 

His eyes landed on Steve, he was still wearing his suit jacket, the nice prussian blue that suited him so well. The man was sitting at the desk, hunched over some documents that looked to be important. But this was more important now, at least for Bucky it was, this was the opportunity he had to give himself the chance to be happy again, the chance to have someone who would actually appreciate him. Not like Steve did, who would be the perfect husband when Bucky would ask for his attention, demand it. Steve would shower him with gifts and romantic dinners, with everything and anything Bucky wanted, he would make love to Bucky in every available surface and fuck him raw when he asked for it, he would pay attention to him and forget about work for a while. But only for a while, because then he would turn into this same work-obsessed asshole who didn’t give a shit about his husband. And Bucky was tired of always having to remind Steve that he existed in his life.

\--

_Bucky knew this was going to be just like his birthday last month,that Steve was going to be late, coming with excuses about work and how he had tried his best to make it on time. But when the man didn’t show up almost three and a half hours later, Bucky knew that the man wasn’t even going to show up. Not even a message, not even a phone call, nothing. Bucky had payed for the ridiculously expensive champagne and left. Three and a half hours waiting for a man that didn’t even give a shit about their four year anniversary. How was he ever going to believe Steve again when the only thing he kept doing was break his promises and give him excuses instead of doing something about the whole thing._

_Bucky got in his car and slammed the door, he drove to the only place he knew he could hide in, because going home wasn’t an option for him. Bucky didn’t want to be there when or if Steve made him home that night, he didn’t want to see his face nor did he have the energy to have this fight again, because this wasn’t an argument anymore, they were downright fighting, when Steve was present enough for it._

_Nat house had been his refuge for three nights, her and Clint had let him stay there until he found the apartment, but in those three nights that he stayed there, they had talked about it long and hard, Nat telling him that he should try one more time to talk to Steve, to make him see where things were going wrong, that maybe they should try to have couple’s therapy. But Clint, Clint had been silent, pensive as he looked at him and then down at his hands. The man was usually less inclined to give his opinions about other people’s relationships, like now. And that had made Bucky think. But then the broken man had said the words that he never thought he was going to say, not when Steve Rogers was concerned._

_“I’m filing for divorce.”_

_Nat had rambled and rambled about the therapy, that maybe if they did that they could fix this, that people were bound to make mistakes, that they were perfect for each other, that they could work through this. Clint? Clint looked at Bucky, leaned forwards and held his hand tightly, then whispered. “I understand.”_

_\--_

That had been a week ago, a week ago he left his home, his life and the man he loved terribly but could not be with anymore. Bucky cleared his throat, alerting Steve of his presence in the calm office.

“Bucky!” The man stood up too fast, almost dropping the papers on the floor in his haste to get to his husband. It had been a week since he last saw Steve, the beard was a little longer but still nicely trimmed, he looked tired and was probably overworked. Those big hands closed around his biceps, they held him in place as Steve looked at him, from head to toe and back to make sure that he wasn’t injured. He wasn’t, at least not physically like the other man thought he was, but on the inside he was bleeding all over. In the past week Steve had called, he had called the next morning when Bucky hadn’t come home, and he called throughout the day, he left a bunch of messages that he had not listen to because he didn’t want to hear the man’s voice, Nat did and she said that all of them were along the lines of: “Please, Bucky pick up your phone, I need to know you are alright”, or “Baby, can you please come home? I’m worried sick about you and we need to talk. I need to explain and apologize. Buck, I know you are mad at me, and I get it, but please come home”; the last one, from yesterday night was simple: “I miss you, Bucky… please let me make it up to you.”

Steve had been so scared, he had been so damn sorry too. He understood that Bucky was mad at him after missing his birthday and their anniversary dinner, hell that one was one hell of a mistake, but Steve had been so busy with work, the last case they had was big and it needed all their attention. True, he could have stopped hours before but his obsession with finishing the job was just too much, it was just a bad date to let it go overboard. The blond man had tried to get in contact with his husband in the last week, left messages and even went to Nat’s and Clint’s place to see if he could find him there; when it was obvious that the man didn’t want to see him, he left messages for him to let him know that he missed him, wanted to talk to him and wanted to apologize. But no answer had come back from Bucky’s part. Today, after work he had planned to go to Nat’s place again and ask her where he was so they could talk, but Bucky was here, in his office, looking so, so sad…

“Sweetie, where have you been?” He asked, brushing Bucky’s hair away from his face, no expression there whatsoever, the man was cold as a stone and it scared Steve, because Bucky had always been so open about his emotions with Steve. Instead of answering the question, Bucky moved away from his grasp and placed the brown folder on top of his case papers.

“What’s that?” Something about the whole thing didn’t sit right with him, the way that his husband wasn’t even looking at him now, his eyes on the folder on top of his desk, the way he all but sagged on the chair, the obvious need to seem stern and firm. Steve moved back towards his desk and looked at the man one more time before he took the envelop in his hands, he opened it slowly, knowing what it was even before he read the angry black letters at the top.

**“Petitions of Divorce”**

The air left the room, therefore his lungs, his legs gave out on him, but he was lucky enough to have his chair there to hold him up when he couldn’t. He read over the paper, over the things that Bucky wanted and at the bottom of the second page, James Barnes signature above **“Petitioner.”**  
  
His heart crumbled inside his chest, it was so hard to breathe right now that he felt like the room was spinning around them. A divorce, Bucky was asking him to sign a paper that was going to end their marriage.

“Divorce! Bucky…” he slammed the document down on the desk, rattling the phone and the picture frame on top of it. He covered his mouth with his hand, his eyes wild as he looked from the papers to Bucky and back, several times, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to ask. Was he going to ask why he was doing this? Steve was smart enough to know where things had gone wrong, where he had failed so spectacularly and epically. The last straw of it all was their anniversary dinner, by not showing up and not calling.

“Honey. Honey please take a moment and think about this. Think about what you are asking here.” He said, fisting his hands on the desk, wanting to touch Bucky and shake some sense into him.

“I have, Steve. I have thought about it for a week and this is for the best.”

For the best? What nonsense was this man talking about!?

“No, Bucky. You are not thinking clearly. You are not being rational about this, Bucky. Please.” He knew the second his words were unwelcomed, Bucky’s face turned into such an angry expression. His eyes were like a raging storm coming at Steve, full force and no time to take cover.

“I’m being rational, Steve! I am being rational for the first time in four years! Thinking that you would actually listen and change. After every single argument and after every single fight that we’ve had over the same fucking thing! I am tired of reminding you that I am part of your life, Steve. I am done being an afterthought for you, of always coming after your stupid job! I am tired of being in a relationship where I am not appreciated or loved or even remembered. I am so fucking tired of begging for your attention, for your love! I shouldn’t have to request it, I should receive it! I should be able to have a fucking birthday celebration where my husband shows up or an anniversary with the man I married instead of drinking champagne by myself in my best friend’s house!”  
  
The downpour was brutal, if it were actual water, the office would be flooded with the amount of water. But it was so much worse. It was such a terrible thing to hear, his husband was devastated and in all four years of marriage and 11 months of relationship, he had never seen Bucky so broken. Every word felt like a stab to the heart, and there was nothing he could do about it because they were all true. Bucky was sobbing now, his face hidden by his lovely hands. He loved those hands so much, had always found them so incredibly sexy and talented, he would sit with Bucky while he worked on blueprints for his Architectural firm; now they were hiding every single negative emotion, hiding Bucky from Steve.

“Please don’t do this, Bucky, please…” What else did he have? He was one of the best lawyers out there and here? In this particular trial, he had no winning arguments; no punch lines that would make him win this case.

“I can’t do this anymore, Steve. I can’t keep pretending that you care and that you will change. You don’t change… no matter how many times or in what tone I talk to you about this. Things always go back to this: you loving your job more than you ever loved me and I can’t, I’m tired of fighting for this marriage all by myself.” Steve wanted to touch him, reach out for him, hold him close and promise the world to him. He wanted to make him see how wrong he was… but Bucky was not wrong.  
  
Bucky roughly dried his tears and stood up from the chair, the papers still on the desk; Steve lifted his head and looked at him, pleading silently.

“Sign them, Steve. Sign them and then all of this is going to be over.” The words were barely even there, they were so soft, so gut-wrenching. Like the way his husband looked. Bucky brushed the tip of his fingers on the edge of his desk, their eyes meeting for a split second before the man turned around and left.

Steve looked at the door, seconds, minutes maybe even hours after. He did everything in his power to ignore the papers on his desk, because maybe like that they would disappear, they wouldn’t be real. But they didn’t, they stayed there and they mocked him, whispered cruel little words. Steve sat there for hours, he didn’t work, for the first time in years he just sat at his desk and he didn’t even try to burry himself in his work… He sat there and thought about the only real and important thing he ever had. Bucky was gone and the only thing he left were divorce papers.  
  
And what broke him most of all, was the realization that Steve was the one to push him to such a choice, to that place where the man felt like there was no other way out.

Bucky all but ran out of the building, the walls were closing in on him, the way Steve was pleading, eyes huge and lost, like he never showed himself. He was so close to calling this off, his heart was too soft for that man and that had brought him to this point: an unhappy marriage, a man who never even looked twice at him when he didn’t ask for it, heartbreak and a divorce at 37. That was the result of forgiving Steve over and over. But no more… there was no more of that. From now on, Bucky was going to be happy, he was going to heal his wounds and then he was going to be happy, if it wasn’t with Steve, then with someone else, or maybe no one, just himself.

Bucky kept his back to the building, ignoring it and what was inside. He took a deep breath, fighting his face because the muscles wanted to scrunch up and his eyes wanted to overflow. And they did, they did because this was the hardest choice he had ever made… But it was about time he loved himself more. He used his right hand to wipe away the stubborn tears that fell down; he blinked several times, turned once more to look at the building, at what he was leaving behind. He took a deep breath and promised himself that from now on, Bucky Barnes was going to fight for his happiness, even when he had to do it alone.


	2. Flipping the coin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every story has two sides and to have a full picture, we need to look at them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \------
> 
> Second part of Whatever it takes inspired by another amazing gifset made by Monalisamontak (Tumblr) 
> 
> https://monalisamontauk.tumblr.com/post/618740828021686273/whatever-it-takes-part-two-ring-ring-ring

_Coming back home with nothing more than divorce papers, was the hardest thing Steve had done in a while. Before that day, before knowing that Bucky wasn’t going to be there for him, Steve had never really thought about how much he hated to be alone in such a big house. He had walked inside their once home and the place had felt so empty, it felt abandoned and the man standing by the still open door had felt so lost. What was he to do now? A sudden bubble of rage broke through his body, starting in his chest and spreading through his stomach and limbs, the papers he was clutching in his hands flew everywhere as he tried to throw them across the foyer. The landed on the floor, scattered… like he felt right in that second.  
  
Steve stood there, the silence was oppressing and it was sucking the air out of his lungs. He was the only one to blame for this outcome. His husband had been there, he had been waiting for him to turn around and see what he was missing._

_But he hadn’t been fast enough… Steve had not realized how Bucky was hurting because he had turned into such a selfish bastard. The tears welled up in his eyes and spilled down his cheeks; he felt so tired, days and nights spent working were catching up to him, mornings and nights spent away from his husband, with barely any words spoken between them were making his heart ache. Did Steve have any right to cry over this? How many times had Bucky cried alone or right in front of Steve but there had been no comfort on his part? The lawyer knew that more than once during their fights, when his husband was begging for him to snap out of it, Steve’s thoughts were elsewhere, in work related things… even then he had been such a fucking asshole._

_This was the result of his negligence and he needed to live with it._

_The man moved through the living room towards the kitchen and heard a loud bark, Captain was still out and it was way pass ten p.m now, the poor dog hadn’t even eaten and had been alone for so long. Steve hurried towards the door and opened it; the one year old puppy barged inside and demanded his attention, whining loudly, ears and tail down. The little body was sad… Steve was sad. The man dropped to the floor, his expensive suit getting ruined didn’t even register in his brain, he touched the soft fur, tried his best to calm the dog down, there was more wetness on his face, down his cheeks and it wasn’t just the fact that Captain was licking his cheeks, rivers of tears were running freely._

_“He’s gone, buddy… Bucky’s gone.”_

_And saying it out loud made it all the more real. It broke his heart until he was a sobbing mess. A man holding onto his dog because he had no one else to hold onto. He had made sure he didn’t have anyone anymore._

_\--_

_Hours later Steve had realized that Alpine wasn’t even in the house._

_At least Bucky wasn’t going to be alone._

_\--_

Steve had sat at the kitchen island every single morning for the first month after Bucky delivered the papers. Before work and even during work, he would look at the papers. The offensive folder had stared back at him, waiting for him to make up his mind and put his signature down; to put an end to this whole mess. Steve, as a lawyer had been baffled when he had looked at the papers and read through them, noticing how Bucky didn’t ask for anything: he didn’t ask for his share of the house or his half of the money in their bank account. Bucky didn’t want anything, he just wanted the divorce and that was it. Nothing more and nothing else. As a husband he had felt like this meant that Bucky wanted to cut every and any ties he had to Steve. He wondered how he could throw away four years of them being married…

_The same way you did while you were still married_ , a cruel voice would provided every time he thought too much about it.

More times than not he would be at work and not do much, instead of working his cases with the obsession he had done before, he had obsessed over winning Bucky back. He had called Sam to ask him for advice and tell him what was happening. His best friend had been silent on the other line for a while, so long that Steve thought the line had gone dead, but them, when he was about to check on the phone, Sam’s voice came through.

“Steve, you are such a fucking dumb piece of shit.”

Yes, true, it still hurt to hear it from someone else.

“What am I going to do now, Sam? How can I win him back? I know I fucked up real bad but I can’t live without him. I don’t know how to live without him. I took him for granted, Sam. I just assumed that he was going to be there every single time even when I wasn’t giving him anything in return. He tried. Fuck! He tried so many times and I did nothing, I didn’t listen.”

“He did. He did too many times and gave you too many opportunities when you didn’t even deserve them, you are aware of that, right? This was just the end game, Steve… this was the result. Always was and you weren’t even aware enough to see it. What can you do now? What can you do that will convince him that you changed this time and that this won’t be another one of your wake up calls only to lose you again when you go back to your damn obsessed ways?”

Steve was aware that getting therapy from your psychologist friend wasn’t correct, but the man had a point. That was it! Steve had always been too obsessed with perfection, with doing his job right, to be the best out there, even when those same things were breaking every important thing in his life. He had promised Sarah Rogers that he was never going to give up. And he hadn’t. But his efforts to keep his promise to his dead mother had killed something else.

The man had always hated the idea of therapy, even when he had lost his mother to cancer and he had been devastated and alone, he had never once thought about going to therapy. This relationship with Bucky, this had been his lifeline and he had taken it for granted, he knew now because now that the love of his life was gone, he was truly alone. And it wasn’t even fair to put that on Bucky, to hand him the responsibility of holding Steve together and keep him whole while he wasn’t even taking care of that himself. Maybe the problem was this, that he had jumped from grief to fulfilling his mother’s wishes, to marrying a man that made him forget about pain but the pain was never gone. Not really.

And so he did, Sam recommended a very nice therapist for him and even when he wasn’t really sure what to do with it at first, it helped to have someone who knew how to help him get better. Help him see the many things he hadn’t wanted to see before. To put his life and his priorities back in order. He had been calling Bucky during those four weeks, but the man never picked up the phone, he didn’t leave voice messages because it didn’t feel right. He wrote a letter to Bucky, under his therapist advice.  
  
His letter ended up having 10 pages, front and back on each sheet of paper… some wet patched here and there. It was a love confession, it was every single detail that Steve had loved about Bucky in those 11 months of being together and four years of being married; all those things that Bucky thought went unnoticed, but they were always present and would make Steve love the man with all his heart, but never voiced that feeling out loud. He saw his mistake in those words. He had not loved the man like he deserved, payed the attention the man needed. And it all should have come from Steve instead of the other man demanding him that he cared for him. Ten pages filled with every bit of his heart that he sent to Bucky, he sent it to his work address because he didn’t even know where the man was living. No matter how much Steve begged, Nat and Clint weren’t going to tell him where his husband was.

\--

_Steve knocked on the door so hard his hand was hurting. It was day 2 since Bucky had been gone and Steve had wanted him back. He had wanted to bring the man he married four years ago back to their home, back into his life; he wanted to beg for his forgiveness, for his love, for his tears even. To have him scream his pain at his face and make it all better. But how could he when he didn’t even know where he was? He knocked again, fueled by frustration. It was Clint who ripped the door open and stood there, strong and tall like Steve had not seen him before._

_“He’s not here, Steve. If you came here to look for him, he’s not here.”_

_The voice was not angry, it was sad even. The man invited Steve to come inside, Nat was at work, night shift at the hospital, and Clint worked at the same place as Bucky did, just a different department. Clint wasn’t an architect like Buck, he was a business analyst, weird job for a man like Barton. Steve sat at the comfortable couch and placed his face in his hands, not knowing where to go from here._

_“Look, he stayed here at first, but he found his own place now. I’m not going to tell you where he is because he wants his time. He wants his space and I know that you are going to go there when you know where he lives. So I am not going to share that information with you.” Steve appreciated the fact that their friends were trying to take care of Bucky in all the ways he hadn’t done it._

_“I don’t know what to do now… I just… I know it’s my fault but I can’t Clint, I can’t give him this. I know I have no room to talk about not giving him shit because I haven’t been doing it for so long but this? This right here is the only thing that I cannot do.”  
  
Clint sat on the coffee table in front of him and rested his hand on Steve’s knee. The man was uncharacteristically solemn, and his touch was a silent call for his full attention, when his blue eyes found Clint’s green ones, he knew he was going to hear some very harsh truth. _

_“If I were in your shoes Steve, I would give him this, the one thing he asks to put an end to it. If it were Nat asking me for divorce after I fucked up so much I made her fall out of love, then I would give her this. Because I have no ground and no arguments to demand anything, least of all for her to stay for me after every single time she did and I didn’t appreciated it like I should have. Bucky wants to be happy, Steve, he just wants that and if he couldn’t have that with you, let him have it someone else, maybe even with himself. Just… It’s time you stop being selfish, Steve. For once think about him and what he needs.”_

_The words had kept him awake hours after he was back home._

\--

Month two had been all about Steve sending small presents to Bucky, to say that he ignored Clint’s advice completely was another whole topic he didn’t even want to think about. He sent the presents first to his job and then to his apartment because Nat had given up and texted the damn address, along with a short phrase under: _“Clint’s right you know, even if I don’t agree”._ That was it, that’s all he got from her, but it was helpful. It was enough, more than he could ask for.  
  


_Bucky loved space. He had such a weird appreciation for such a scary thing. Void and millions of dangerous things that could kill a man, but Bucky had always loved it, the idea of being such a small particle in the world, surrounded by such amazing planets, dark emptiness and bright, burning bodies of fire, something that were so hard to explain. He had some books about space and constellations, he would read articles about space travel on Sunday afternoon while he drank coffee, sitting on the couch, petting Alpine or Captain. And so Steve would give him that, a meaningful present for the man he loved.  
_

Steve Rogers thought about the day they met: a warm May day in Central Park, and how during Steve’s morning jog and Bucky running to work, the shorter man had ended up falling onto Steve because he had tripped over multicolored leashes. Dog walkers and their pack of dogs taking over the narrow little streets, Bucky had been so angry, he was already running later and the dogs around him were barking up a storm and the dog walked was apologizing while trying not to laugh out loud and Steve was holding onto Bucky while the man was holding onto his messenger bag and his coffee mug, portable, bright green with pink flamingos all over.

His constellation was named after that moment, when Steve had taken a look at the man and had known that he had wanted to spend every single moment with him. They had walked towards Bucky’s work together because Steve had decided that he wasn’t going to go back home, he was going to pretend he lived on the other side of town, where Bucky was headed. He walked him to his job, his firm official year at the architectural firm at the time and had stood there, still trying not to comment on the ugly mug. He had beamed and held his hand out for the other to shake when they reached their destination, he wished him a good day at work and then, when Bucky was walking away he had shouted: _“Call me!”_ People had looked at him as if he was making a fool of himself, but Bucky had smiled so bright, had walked back towards him and had handed him his phone so Steve could save the number. It was quick and sweet and everything had taken off from then on.

He names the star **Flamingo Central** , which was in the **Alpha Virgo** constellation. The certificate also contained the date of inscription, the coordinates and registration number. Steve had planned to send that one with some other small trinkets that he had gotten Bucky, but instead, the flashback of that wonderful time had made him so sad he had stayed home and had drank himself stupid. He had been so drunk and in so much pain that he took the certificate he had printed that morning and had taken a cab to the man’s apartment. He wasn’t so drunk that he had thought about driving there, but he was drunk enough to go to the man’s apartment and knocked on the door at 3.45 p.m, drunk out of his ass, a sobbing mess on the hall.

His brain didn’t even think that Bucky was still at work, that the apartment was empty, or that probably Alpine was going to claw his eyes out because he probably disturbed her rest. He knocked on the door for what felt like hours, his knuckles red and sore, the door didn’t even budge.

_“Bucky I’m sorry! I’m so damn sorry please Buck… Please! Open the door, please let me hold you, just once, please…” He didn’t see the woman who lived at the end of the hall giving him the dirtiest look ever, he wasn’t aware she had called the doorman and had asked to please call the owner of the apartment because there was a very loud, drunk and rude man knocking on the door. Buck had arrived about an hour later, tired because he had ran all the way up to his third floor. He knew that Nat had betrayed him the second he saw his husband on the floor, knees drawn in, a piece of paper next to him, mumbling to a Bucky that wasn’t inside the apartment, but yes, definitely drunk and a broken mess.  
_

Steve had felt hands on his arm, pulling him to his feet and moving him inside the apartment. Bucky had dropped his bag by the front door, star certificate on the coffee table and had walked inside the kitchen to make Steve coffee. All the words that he had mumbled and shouted at the closed door where lost now, he kept on watching Bucky as he moved around; no words came from the other man either. It was as if they were complete strangers, as if they didn’t even know each other anymore. All the little things that Steve had sent to Bucky during that second months were around the man’s living room, the books on the shelved, the pictures and drawings on the walls and the surfaces of furniture, he had send flowers and chocolates, but those weren’t anywhere his eyes could see. The vinyl disks were places neatly on a shelf next to the record player. He had spent hours looking for the ones Bucky would love most. He had sent him poetry books because he loved to read poetry. He had found book of love letter written by some of the most talented writers through the years. Everything was there and Steve didn’t know how to take that. Did he keep them because he wanted to or just because he was trying to decide if getting rid of all that was a better idea?

The lawyer had drank his coffee and Bucky had called an Uber to take him home, no exchange, no words, barely even a look his way. Sooner than he would have liked it, he was back in the house where Captain was next to him the second the door closed. And the divorce papers? They were still sitting there, waiting and getting impatient.

\--

The last week of that second month was one that Steve wanted to forget with his whole heart, his most stupid and expensive gift was an ice sculpture of Bucky. Before he became a lawyer Steve always thought he was going to make a living out of his talent for sketches and painting, but life wasn’t always so nice and so he had to take another route. His artistic abilities were placed on a sketch of Bucky, which had been recreated on an ice sculpture that had been sent to the man’s apartment, but Bucky had not been there and so the sculpture had melted until it was nothing more than a fucking puddle on the ground. He had gotten a text from Nat that afternoon with a simple: _“Bucky’s not happy his apartment got flooded. Next time stick to dry things.”_

To say that Steve had called the company and had given them an earful was downplaying it. The insistent calls had stopped when the man had once answered the phone, during a meeting and had threatened to burn the damn thing to hell if he didn’t stop. So Steve had stuck to voice mails and a few calls a month, but today? Today the calendar marked three months since they had been separated. Surprisingly, Steve hadn’t even been all that busy with work, too busy trying to win his husband back. That morning he had driven to work and had gone to get his regular morning coffee when the new stand featured a new cover. There he was, James Barnes on the front page of the New Yorker, apparently the man had been working in one of the major projects in the city and the magazine had wanted an interview to have more insight on the project and have people know what was happening. The picture was so casual, the man was sitting on something, palm tree leaves behind him, a piece of colored wall to the left side of him, he was wearing jeans, a black tight shirt and a burgundy leather jacket, his right arm was reaching towards the back of his head, tips of his fingers ready to sink in the hair that looked to be styled back, a light stubble covering his face, his lips parted as if he was talking to someone and his blue eyes on full display. Steve took the magazine and studied the picture, from top to bottom and back again. His husband… there, for everyone to see, being successful and taking on the world. Doing everything he was meant to do with nothing and no one holding him back.

Irrationally Steve bought five copies because he thought it was rational. He held them in his arms as his assistant came walking towards him, he put the copies in his bag and turned to buy the coffee, he held it in his teeth before Amanda took it in her hand, he was already dialing the number.

Ring Ring Ring… Steve heaved a heavy sigh when he got Bucky’s voicemail greeting, “Hi, it’s James Barnes. I can’t come to the phone right now, please leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Than you.”

“Hi Bucky, it’s me Steve, your husband. I… I was thinking of you today, it’s our 3 month anniversary of separation. I saw you were on the cover of the New Yorker. Congratulations on your outstanding job as an architect and your office. I bought five copies should you need one. I don’t know maybe you lose it or it catches on fire. I have extra. Look I wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with me tonight? We can talk about-“

**Beep**.

Shit! He ran out of room for his message and he had been rambling. But…

He called again and again got Bucky’s voicemail. “It’s me again, Steve, your husband. I just… regret so much, Bucky. I regret the pain and hurt I cause you. I am so sorry. If I could go back and change things I would.” Steve cleared his throat. “Have you been getting my gifts? I apologize for the ice sculpture. I know it was a little much and you weren’t home to receive it and it melted. That was a miscommunication. The company got a good talking too about the business they conduct. I handled it.” 

**Beep.**

Damn it! Steve called him back one more time and said: “I miss you so much, Bucky.” He ended the call and put his phone in his pocket. He felt his assistant’s eyes on him and he grumbled with annoyance: “Don’t say it.”

“Wasn’t gonna say anything, boss.” She replies as Steve pinched the bridge of his nose and headed inside the courthouse. All the way to his office he thought about the failure the ice sculpture was, wondered if the presents he had sent later were somewhere in the apartment with the ones he had sent at the beginning. He debated with himself if repeating over and over the fact that he was _his husband_ was going to be a good idea. Maybe he was just going to annoy Bucky with it to a second point of no return. He had so many things moving around inside his head that he didn’t know what to make out of them all. And lastly… the invitation to dinner, he had blurred it out and hadn’t even given him a time or a place.  
  
For a second he thought about telling Amanda to schedule it, but wasn’t that just falling into the same old patterns? He needed to prove to Bucky that he was a new man, that he was going to do better this time around and stick to it.  
  
Once he reached his office and got his coffee back, Steve sat at his desk and opened his computer, he needed a reservation and he needed a good place. He was going to change for Bucky.

\--

Bucky had been on his way to his lunch meeting when he saw he had three missed calls from Steve and several unopened voicemails. He shook his head and took a deep breath. The three messages played while he was mumbling about what a stubborn bastard Steve was, ugh! He dialed Natasha’s number.

“He left three voicemails, Natasha. Help me.” Bucky said with annoyance.

Natasha snorted a laugh. “What did he say this time?”

Bucky made a noise of displeasure. “Today is out anniversary of being separated, three months. Like that is something to be celebrated. He bought five copies of the New Yorker because I was on the cover. Also, apologizing about the fucking ice sculpture and he asked me out to dinner.”

Natasha paused before replaying. “I gotta say, I was highly impressed with the ice sculpture. Kudos.”

“Natasha!” Bucky shouted on the phone.

“What? You gotta admit, James. He is really trying here. Like more so than usual.” Natasha said matter-of-factly.

Bucky grunted and said. “Yeah, I take him back, then what? It goes back to what it was and I’m not doing that again. What I would like is for him to sign the damn divorce papers.” He huffed out angrily.

“I don’t know James, I think those divorce papers really made him understand his wrong choices and priorities. I say throw the guy a bone and have dinner with him.”

“Well, I can’t tonight, I have that thing with the Children’s Hospital. Oh, darn.” Bucky said sarcastically.

Natasha snorted, amused. “You say your husband is stubborn.”

“Whatever, I have to go. I have a meeting I’m going to be late to.”

“I’m just saying maybe you too need to have a good, long conversation and clear the air. Who knows, maybe you can get him to sign.” Natasha said thoughtfully.

“I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask James. Bye.”

“Bye, talk later.”

Bucky hung up the phone and stared at it. He looked at Steve’s number on the screen, his finger hovering over the call button. Bucky shook his head, yeah, he couldn’t do this. He put the phone screen back on before he locked the phone, shoved it in his pocket and continued to his meeting. _Trying to forget his husband’s words._

He had hoped that his meeting was important enough to take his mind off of Steve and his messages, the presents, the mistakes, the anger, the fact that he missed him so damn much but he was willing to not think about that because he had made this choice for himself. Natasha had been right about something, the man was indeed trying, but he had done it in the past and then he had been back to being the forgetful and selfish man he always ended up being. The presents he had sent, ice sculpture aside, were very thoughtful, the letter had been heart wrenching and the star named for him had made him doubt about his choice of asking for divorce.

But the fear of going back to a short honeymoon and then having Steve forget it all was bigger than anything else. Bucky was sure that he wasn’t going to survive it again. But maybe Natasha was right, maybe they needed to sit and talk about it, maybe Bucky could make Steve see his point of view and make him understand why he needed to sign those papers. Maybe he was just too closed off to even hear Steve’s reasons or his arguments, but he didn’t think he had the heart to do that. 

He sat there taking notes and giving his input through the whole two hours the meeting lasted. He had been working too hard on this project to be putting it at the back of his mind for some idiot who didn’t deserve it. He was happy with the things they were accomplishing and tonight was going to be great, the fundraiser ball at the Hospital was supposed to be amazing. And he was actually excited to attend. Tony, Nat and Clint, T’Challa, Wanda, Shuri, Okoye, Bruce, Thor and even Sam were going to be there to support him. Clint had suggested he invited Steve, but he wasn’t ready for that.

Bucky walked inside his office, placed his computer on the desk along with his folders and sat down to start his morning, his phone beeped next to him. A text message from Steve.

**“Lilia. 7 p.m?”**

Bucky tapped his fingers on his desk as he read the text over and over. The ball wasn’t going to start until 9:00, which didn’t give him an excuse, not that he needed one, if he didn’t want to go to that dinner and see Steve he was more than entitled to. He focused on the interrogation mark and the fact that Steve didn’t write _your husband_ on the message.

Why couldn’t he just sign the damn papers already!?

Bucky dropped his phone on the desk and ignored it for the rest of his working hours. Steve had made him wait, he could fucking wait now.


End file.
